Life is harsh sometimes. May be it is a little difficult for me these days or may be its just me who is behaving like a cry baby these days. I don't know what but I am not 'The Fan' of my life recently. Why? Because I grew up! I don't want to brag or exaggerate about anything but once you are settled, you just lose everything!
Today I have a nice job with decent salary and a very busy life that I always wanted, and yes I am loving this hectic schedule but something's not right. I got friends around me, friends who were there in my college days, those helped me mould into what I am today but something's missing. I have awesomest parents who support me like anything, whom I call for every little decision from the amount of spices in the biryani to deciding something real huge and important but again that doesn't seem enough.
I got everything anyone of my age could ask for, then why am I not happy! Why does my father has to give me a lecture about staying happy in any condition possible, daily! Why does my mother has to be worried because her daughter is not so happy. Why my friends have to listen to me grieving over nothing! Well I guess life is just too perfect for me!
When I was 10, I used to look over to my dad and used to think one day I will earn too, then I would get whatever I want, I will be happy. Those small toys weren't just enough for me. I didn't want to play in large play grounds or under the sky. Today this is what I desperately want. Anyone up for bidding :P
Rains and sun and winds used to be something I din't use to think about much earlier but now when I am witnessing everything through that rectangular 5 by 5 window, I know how much I want to go out.
All the small things seem to matter now.
Now when I pass through that playground daily while going to office, I just want to skip the office and play with those kids, score a goal or hit a four! I don't want to go back to that place where everything's so Grown up stuff! I want to be a kid again.
Today I saw a woman feeding her child, and I flashed back to the times when it was all with me. Now all the childhood stories are, well, stories, memories! I remember getting scolded by my mom for sitting in front of the computer screen for so long and as always I used to revolt against it. But today, I want to revolt, because I don't want to sit in front of the screen for even 1 more minute.
I heard, when you are young you have the energy and money to live your life but don't have time for it, As of now, I have time also but I don't know what has changed. Because I am just not liking it. I realised this when I had this bizarre idea of leaving the job and run back to my parents. I can actually do that, because I ran back when I was not able to find a decent accommodation. Yes, I ran! I ran from the problems instead of finding the solution. I ran, call me a coward for that. I am not so perfect, no!
The times when the smiles were genuine, the talks were all about the movies or crushes or shoes are all gone. I just talked to a friend and realised it is still there. It is me who is trying to escape from it. I have this thing in my mind that now I am a grown up, I have to act mature, I have to calculate everything, I have to plan things and I have to decide what am I going to do in near future and all that grown up s**t!
I guess I just grew up! The child inside me that was playing, laughing and doing all the stupid things is gone. It's dead. I don't know if it was required or not, but it just happened. I want it to come back, because it's not so fun without it. Something's eating me from inside. I don't remember when was the last time when I had a peaceful night's sleep or when I was last satisfied with whatever is going on in my life.
There is this layer of darkness around me. I want it gone.
I know I sound very depressing. Trust me I am not depressed. I am just sad, I am sad because life moves on, because nothing lasts forever, because I can't go back in time.
< PS: I really wish I can get a time travelling machine somehow :P >
But the truth is my life is not so much stable right now and I know it will be very soon, till then allow me to cry about it :D Once I get comfortable with all the changes that have been going around lately, all will be well.
Talking about the changes, I hate them ! I don't even try any new cuisine in some restaurant and here we are talking about staying all by yourself, cooking for yourself, taking care of yourself, acting accordingly everywhere, no friends around to keep you in your comfort zone, all strange faces, everything unique, everything happening for the first time, so pardon me if I sound a little ridiculous/coward, I am scared of the changes. I absolutely don't want them. But as someone said, a change won't help you grow in your life if you can get comfortable with it. So here I am waiting for this BIG CHANGE to change my life, to help me get better.
But for now I want to get peace about this, to accept it, and to accept the fact that the old times are not coming back for sure, So, I have to work, to make this one better than before, so that in future I can say my working life was so much better than this :D
I want to be happy. After all for me life is all about staying happy. This is all I want. I don't want anything else.
